Friday, December 17, 2010
Our Christmas Letter
The Rogue Speaks:
Dear Friends and Family,
It’s hard to believe that another year has passed since we last wrote you. I hope you can read this without too much trouble. I suffered a broken hand while picking up a quarter on the floor at WalMart during the after-Thanksgiving sale. I guess that fat lady never saw me dive for it first.
This has been a pretty rough year for us. Junior was convicted, as most of you saw on the national news, and is serving 25 to life. Grandma blamed herself for giving him that assault rifle for his 21st birthday. Poor Grandma became so depressed over the whole thing that we had to put her in the old folks home, but it was closed down after a drug raid, so she had to go stay with her sister in the Swan Lake trailer park south of town. Unfortunately, a tornado came through and flattened the whole park. We never did find Grandma, God rest her soul.
Dad is recovering from surgery after trying to scrape a fresh possum off the road and getting hit by the mail truck. Clyde,the mailman, claims he never saw him, but we don’t believe that for a minute. It’s hard to miss Dad’s big butt with that red bandana sticking out of the pocket. Poor Dad really wanted possum stew for dinner.
There was one bright spot in our year when little Clara Nell got married to Clarence Wallermuck. You remember Clarence—he’s the fellow owns the Porta-Potty clean-out service. Has his own truck and everything! The wedding was quite the affair! The kids lined the church aisle with Charmin’ in honor of Clarence. Mabelle Pust, who owns the Bait and Cake Shoppe, made a chocolate cake in the shape of a Porta-Potty. We had a lot of that cake left over, and I froze it for Clara Nell and Clarence’s first anniversary. I think people would have eaten more if Clara Nell hadn’t gone into labor at the reception. Her water broke right in the receiving line and Clarence’s mother, Iphelia, slipped in the puddle and broke her hip. After someone called 911, the reception sort of broke up.
Clara Nell had twins! Two little boys that look just like Clarence! Let’s hope they follow in his footsteps! I am enclosing some pictures. There's one of our new Christmas wreath. Since Dad is laid up, and can't go hunting, he made it out of shotgun shells! He's always been the artistic type. Then there's one of Clara Nell and Clarence when they got engaged. I enclosed a picture of the twins. Don't they look just like Clarence? I took a picture of the Christmas tree in the WalMart so as to give me ideas for next Christmas. Ricky Bobby snapped that picture of me picking up the quarter in WalMart just before that fat lady came around the corner and dove for it too. We're using it as evidence in the lawsuit.
Well, that’s all the news from here. I want to get this in the mail box pretty quick, and get down to the Circle ‘n Shop before they run out of their Christmas Spam special.
We hope you have a Merry Christmas, but don't drink too much of the family recipe, or you'll go blind like Uncle Hiram did that year at the family reunion at the Moose Lodge.
Love to you all, and write me sometime.