The Rogue Speaks:
Dear Friends and Family,
It’s hard to believe that another year has passed since we last wrote you. I hope you can read this without too much trouble. I suffered a broken hand while picking up a quarter on the floor at WalMart during the after-Thanksgiving sale. I guess that fat lady never saw me dive for it first.
This has been a pretty rough year for us. Junior was convicted, as most of you saw on the national news, and is serving 25 to life. Grandma blamed herself for giving him that assault rifle for his 21st birthday. Poor Grandma became so depressed over the whole thing that we had to put her in the old folks home, but it was closed down after a drug raid, so she had to go stay with her sister in the Swan Lake trailer park south of town. Unfortunately, a tornado came through and flattened the whole park. We never did find Grandma, God rest her soul.
Dad is recovering from surgery after trying to scrape a fresh possum off the road and getting hit by the mail truck. Clyde,the mailman, claims he never saw him, but we don’t believe that for a minute. It’s hard to miss Dad’s big butt with that red bandana sticking out of the pocket. Poor Dad really wanted possum stew for dinner.
There was one bright spot in our year when little Clara Nell got married to Clarence Wallermuck. You remember Clarence—he’s the fellow owns the Porta-Potty clean-out service. Has his own truck and everything! The wedding was quite the affair! The kids lined the church aisle with Charmin’ in honor of Clarence. Mabelle Pust, who owns the Bait and Cake Shoppe, made a chocolate cake in the shape of a Porta-Potty. We had a lot of that cake left over, and I froze it for Clara Nell and Clarence’s first anniversary. I think people would have eaten more if Clara Nell hadn’t gone into labor at the reception. Her water broke right in the receiving line and Clarence’s mother, Iphelia, slipped in the puddle and broke her hip. After someone called 911, the reception sort of broke up.
Clara Nell had twins! Two little boys that look just like Clarence! Let’s hope they follow in his footsteps! I am enclosing some pictures. There's one of our new Christmas wreath. Since Dad is laid up, and can't go hunting, he made it out of shotgun shells! He's always been the artistic type. Then there's one of Clara Nell and Clarence when they got engaged. I enclosed a picture of the twins. Don't they look just like Clarence? I took a picture of the Christmas tree in the WalMart so as to give me ideas for next Christmas. Ricky Bobby snapped that picture of me picking up the quarter in WalMart just before that fat lady came around the corner and dove for it too. We're using it as evidence in the lawsuit.
Well, that’s all the news from here. I want to get this in the mail box pretty quick, and get down to the Circle ‘n Shop before they run out of their Christmas Spam special.
We hope you have a Merry Christmas, but don't drink too much of the family recipe, or you'll go blind like Uncle Hiram did that year at the family reunion at the Moose Lodge.
Love to you all, and write me sometime.
24 comments:
i swear judie you are halarious! this is the funniest Christmas letter ever.... which it does sound a lot like my life... which make it even funnier! merry merry merry Christmas to you and yours! blessings...s...
I didn't know you knew my family!
Such pretty colors on the wreaths. And the twins, just look at them. Good for you, you've lost a little weight this year, haven't you?
Judie: I receive about ten of these every year. Why do you think I am so intent on emphasizing positivity on my blog? Your letter is very, very funny - and it also isn't.
LOL ... brilliant! :o)
Very funny! I have a friend who sends hilarious holiday letters every year, either full of woe, like yours, or at the other extreme, full of exaggerated boasting. This year his son found the cure for cancer, his wife hung out with the Dalai Lama, and so forth.
Much more entertaining that the usual stuff.
(found your blog through your comment on JJ's)
I thought the wreath was made of firecrackers! Too bad you didn't get a picture of the cake--that would be priceless!! This will be the only kind of form letter I'm willing to receive.
Judie-you have had a rough year. I told you not to spit on that icon at San Xavier mission, the one with Bela Lugosi's face. However, those adorable twins are ample compensation for whatever hardships and bad luck you suffered throughout the year. Maybe if they're quiet babies and behave themselves you'll take them to visit their uncle Junior when they grow up. Happy holidays and a jolly New Year!
I'm not sure what was funnier here. The post or the comments!
I guess I'll just take the whole package and use the opportunity for a great laugh.
You want to make all that stuff look normal? Come to Baltimore.
Merry Christmas, ya Rogue!
Judie,
What a great post! Your salty wit is going to go nicely with my glass of Licor 43. I'm forsaking the cashews and chewing on your excellent writing. Cheers, my friend!
They say that confession is good for the soul, so I have to confess that the wedding ceremony I described did not come out of my head. Several years ago, on a Saturday afternoon, I was channel-surfing and came across a program about the world's most bizarre weddings. This is no joke. The aisle did have Charmin' all down it, and the groom did own that clean-out service I mentioned. I know I have come up with some pretty bizarre stuff over the years, but Charmin' down the church aisle is not one of them.
This is priceless! Thanks for the belly laughs.
=)
Hilarious! The picture of the twins is freaking me out though!
I do to come by your blog. Not as often as I'd like because, seriously, I have no where near as much time to play on the internet as I wish I did. And, I'm an outrageously bad commenter - even on my uncle's blog which I visit religiously. However, you've wracked me with guilt and I vow to visit more often. Thank you for being a fan.
-Amylynn
Just...hilarious!
The best to you and all your family Judie!!!!
that was me diving for that quarter!!! yur pretty slow for a skinny young'un ...
Seriously funny, and the pictures, are you kidding!!! the twins are scary ... are you sure Clara and Clarence aren't first cousins?
thanks for the wonderful read, i love it when i can really laugh out loud, it's a great start to my day!
What a year! Funny stuff! :)
Judie ~ Laughter is the Best Medicine ~ wonderful! Thanks for putting my collage up on your rogue gallery ~ happy holidays ~ hugs and namaste, cz:) Going to ad you to my blogs of interest ~ :)
Judie, I love the ladylike way you squat down like that.
And here's what I say, when I don't know what to say about someone's baby, Aren't they sweet? It's a great way to not have to lie or hurt someone's feelings by saying, Oh My Gaa, that is one ugly baby you have! Or in this case, two.
I love these letters. So much better than the obnoxious bragging ones.
Oh and your email? Dead on. My MIL has not left me alone for a single second today. If I disappear into my room, for a few seconds of breathing time, she comes looking for me. I told my husband he had to do something right quick. He took them out for the afternoon, so I could have some time to myself. This is going to be a long Christmas, I think.
Lol Judie! It's great to catch up on your life!
True story, I fished a dime out a toilet. I get it. I do. :-)
Merry Christmas!
This is so funny. I just had to read it to my husband. We both loved it!
Merry Christmas!
Well if this isn't the most heartfelt letter I've read this season?! I loved it!!!
I think the picture of the twins will haunt me forever.
Funny letter! I like the part about dad scraping possum off the road.I can just picture it. :)Something I'll probably be doing at some point.
Happy Holidays! Talk to you soon.
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