Does not remotely resemble our house at Christmas!!The Rogue Speaks:
Dear Friends and Family, It is time again for our annual Christmas letter. A lot of exciting things have happened this year, beginning with the marriage of our step-niece, Irma, to Bud Tugly. Poor Irma still can’t find a job!
It’s a good thing that Bud is such an entrepreneur! First he went out and got a license for $15 from PreachersAreUs.com, and then he came up with a very clever idea to make money and stay on the road so he didn’t have to listen to Irma whining about her job status. His wedding chapel on wheels is very popular, and Bud’s raking in money hand over fist! He rolls into towns and sets up outside the local bars just before closing. The he gets out his loudspeaker and starts trolling! Some men will do anything when they’re liquored up! 
As you know, Rod takes our dog children on a walk every day, but one day, when he was not paying attention, Little Liz got herself in some serious trouble. She was caught by the Oro Valley police dealing dope to folks she met along the way. Rod swears he had no idea what she was up to, and fortunately, Officer Friendly believed him. Liz is now wearing an ankle bracelet until her court date. 
Joey, Aimee, and the twins are coming to spend Christmas with us, and Rod is in charge of decorating the house and the tree. He couldn’t find the crèche and the Italian figures that I spent an arm and a leg for over 20 years ago, so I had to get a little creative and fashion one from stuff I had on hand. Since it is loaded with salt and preservatives, we can always snack on it after the family goes home. I got the idea from my friend, Jenny Matlock, creator of Alphabe-Thursday. She always makes such neat stuff!! 
We just got word today that a few distant relatives on my mother's side of the family are on their way here to Tucson for Christmas. I know that charity begins at home, but my home is just not big enough to accomodate these folks. I haven't even seen or heard from them for years, and I'm wondering just how they knew where we were. When we moved from Memphis, we only left an 800 number for family just so relatives couldn't hunt us down. Here's the last photo I took of them. I don't think they have ever been any farther than the Georgia/Alabama state line, and Rod thinks they just might get lost and end up in Mexico. 
Rod was a big hit with the neighborhood kids when he dressed up as Santa with his little helper. I'm thinking that the twins are still a little young for this sight, so I made him return the suit. The little helper hat was mysteriously ripped to shreds after this photo was taken. No one would confess, but I did notice some tiny teeth marks in what was left of it. 
Before I sign off, here is a little audio to get you in the Christmas spirit. Before you listen, please go to my playlist on my right sidebar, and turn down the volume for the music. It's on the right where those little bars are!!I know this isn't my usual borderline insane Christmas letter. I think I really needed a bottle of Bailey's and a straw, but with the state of the economy right now, it's just a little too pricey!
xoxo,
Judie
P.S I almost forgot! Our son, Joey had one of his short stories published, and I'd love for you to read it. It's called "Anoint Your Engine for a Heavenly Ride." Just click on the title, and enjoy! Let me know what you think!!
p.p.s O.k! That link doesn't seem to work all the time! So the website is Ferocious Quarterly Short Works and my son's name is Joseph Mau. Check it out and report back!!
38 comments:
I just knew there had to be a tiny bit of holiday spirit in there somewhere! Oh my I'm really glad you said that wasn't your house.. Is that like an entire tree on top? Just a tad over the top...but how creative to make a living driving down the road with such an awesome ride! As for your bacon/sausage/and bits gee to me that even looks really edible! And dust free if we eat quickly right! Really though Judie I do know what you mean,and once January rolls around life can become, hmm- well we won't have all these heavy heart aching demands. My three year old grandson yelled, "I hate Christmas!" What? I can only imagine he heard those words, from Mom or Dad? That really broke my heart. Yes I'm ready for the stores to be empty, my grocery store will be MINE again, no waiting in long lines just for 3 things, and well there will be blogging with a sip of wine or maybe tea and music and more blogging with great bloggers like YOU! May you and I and all the rest be filled with more joy then we ever thought possible, I know I could really use some REAL JOY! Merry Sausage Links, family time and hot chocolate too! I am going to check out your son's writing too, his Mother rocks I know, now we'll see if he got anything from you!;)
I had one of those wonderful phone call this week from our three year old grandson - Frosty, Jingle Bells and Up on the Roof Top - all sung to the same tune and with words optional - loved it!
That 5th Picture, I have been predicting all year that Lady Gaga would come to a bad end.... after all you can’t dress for a meat market without there being consequences .... Still on the plus side your distant relatives don’t look like they are going to stop a little thing like cannibalism coming between them and a good meal..... no body = no evidence = no trial.... Happy Christmas
You know, that rolling chapel is actually a pretty good idea... perfect for all those Nature People that want to get married in parks and stuff.
I'm soooo happy that I live in the desert! If that motley crew does show up, we'll drug 'um, drive 'um into the desert, and dump 'um. The coyotes are hungry this time of year.
My oh my and I thought my family was disfunctional. Yours takes the cake Judie dear. Better you than me! hardeharhar. My dear....your meat creche is...is...well disgusting my dear. Is it too late to put it back in the freezer? Or maybe you could set it outside for the coyotes. That would keep them busy. I love hearing children singing. So precious! I tried to click on the link provided for Joey's story but it wouldn't take me there.Maybe you can send me the link through email. Love ya, mean it. Merry Christmas!~Ames
Well now, that is quite a Christmas letter! Let me know how Liz's court day turns out.
Have a wonderful Holidays!
Judie, my house doesn't look anything like that either. But the one next door does. Don't know how they do it. Have a lovely holiday! And congratulations to Joey on getting his story published. I'm off to check it out right now.
Hey Judie,
I want an invite to your next family reunion. Your relatives sound like my kinda people. :))
Sounds like you need the Tylenol as much as Clark Griswold. =>
Merry Christmas!
Ya'll sure your not in the Ozarks...I think we might be kinfolk! Heeehehe!!
Girl, your a riot!
God bless and have a wonderful Christmas with the ones you hold dear.
Merry Christmas!!! :o)
Merry Christmas, Judie. Hope your season is a happy one.
Judie: Irma is lucky. The average is $80,000. Many have run up $125,000. Occupy Wall Street? Never. She wants a job. The rest of them are full of stuff we don't talk about over the holidays. God bless Bud.
Send Little Liz to Wall Street.
Joey, Aimee, and the twins are Christmas. That's what it's all about. Nice going, Rod.
Last Christmas, I bought a phoney chess set from your relatives in Nogales.
There is a special place in Heaven for Rod. He looks great in that suit. I am almost certain his dentist father practiced on him as a child, so don't blame him for the hat.
As for the Bailey's Irish Cream, shame on you. Never use a straw.
I am planning to read Joey's story next. A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.
I enjoyed your Christmas letter. No kidding, we get one every year written by the family's cat or dog.
I enjoyed your son's short story. Actually, I could actually see something like that happening for real. People become obsessed and I always say there isn't anything that people don't collect.
Oh dear...I just read what I wrote. I meant to take the first actually out of that sentence.
I'm sure Santa will help Liz clean up her act once she gets the fight out of her.... Enjoyed the song!! Marry Christmas to Bud and Merry Christmas to the rest of you!
JJ, the idea behind the straw is so I can drink and type at the same time. Multitasking is the only way to go!!
It sounds like you are going to have a full house! We are having our guests in shifts this year.
Judie you are cracking us up! My husband is lying in bed laughing his socks off! That naughty pup was my favorite and Sweets liked the relatives. Seriously, my husbands two brothers who were living in Montana want to come home! I am going to change my name and hide in our basement! Yikes! Hopefully when I answer the phone I can state in perfect Spanish "No English" and hang up!
Merry Christmas!
Thank you for this fun post. I love that weddingchapel on wheels, hihi, what a great idea and it even works.LOL
Have a wonderful Christmas and a very happy 2012.
Riet
I was here about four hours ago and was a third of the way into reading Joey's short story when I had to leave for a holiday lunch. I'm back and have read both your hilarious Christmas letter and your son's fascinating "Scooter loves Jesus" story. Writing talent is clearly in the DNA! (The problem with your first link to the story is that there is an extra http: in it.) Judie, it's been fun visiting your blog this year and look forward to more interesting, informative and zany posts from you in the new year. Since neither of us is into this holiday season, I will just wish you all your heart's desires in the new year.
JaJa that pictures more fun, great sense of humor. Greetings.
Season’s greetings and a Happy New Year to you and yours!
It’s been such fun stopping by your lovely blog this past year and look forward to *seeing* you again in 2012!
PS If Liz needs any help with her upcoming court appearance, be sure to get her to drop a line to Aunt Lola's Lifeline!
I love it, that puppy helper is just too cute:-) happy holidays!
Now I have two meat decorations to make. I absolutely LOVE the meat manger scene although I do wonder if pork is appropriate for the occasion, well it will work for our house, after all everything is better with pork. Also, I have to book Bud for my daughter's wedding. It will solve all our problems of location and meals. If he parks it outside White Castle I think we can handle the reception. Does he have speakers? I need a little dance music to go with that. In all seriousness, I do like the three wise men you made but then again I like everything you create. You are so much fun to read! Have a Merry Christmas and try to keep the pup in line! Think catnip instead- there has to be lots of alley cats hanging out looking for a good fix.
A wedding chapel on wheels ! what a great idea. I think if somebody would do that here, he would find himself in a madhouse, marrying the couples there ! It's very true that the price of the straw to drink with the state of the economy right now, had immensely increased ! Fortunately the whisky price remains the same after a few glasses !
I loved this post, Judie! And hearing the children sing really helped put me in a good and merry state of mind. How very precious! Rich and I stocked up on wine for the holidays and I bought a couple of those little bottles of Baileys. Great in your coffee!
Cheers to you! And if your long lost relatives continue to get lost, I'm sure you will have a Merry Christmas! Hugs to you always~~~
A Christmas letter for the ages!
From Bend Oregon, happy holidays!
You found some really funny photos, Judie and your writing is hysterical!
PS:I just wanted to let you know that it is my understanding is that the State of Colorado does not pay to decorate the residence, it is done by private foundations and organizations. If you go to the link I gave on the posts to the Governor's website you can read the list of contributors. I thought it was really beautifully and thoughtfully done!
I am still laughing about that Jenny-inspired creche. You are too funny, my friend.
Have a wonderful Christmas. I will go read your son's story!
=)
I liked your son's story. It was funny and unsettling and irreverent while being respectful and kinda deep in its way.
Well done, Joseph!
=)
Merry Xmas to you and your family too.. great to hear that the grandkids are visiting.
you are hilarious! I knew that Jenny was going to be a bad influence on someone...LOL. Love the tasty creche!! Merry Christmas!!
What a wonderful family you have, Judie! I am sure you'll enjoy the holidays when your relatives visit. Will Rod dress up for them, too? Poor Liz! Can't leave the house to chase after Santa!
The wedding chapel on wheels is quite a clever idea! I bet he makes a bundle! no more worries for Irma! Her debt will soon be paid, no doubt.
Emaline and Keillor--very cute!
Merry Christmas to you and thanks for the fun!
...and to all of you, a Grand Christmas! _m
Judie, this was so hilarious and a great way to get my morning going! I showed the wedding chapel to my husband, and he got a large charge out of it!
Merry Christmas!
Laughing, Laughing and Laughing some more!
Okay. Seriously. The meat nativity was so perfect.
And those Grandlittles.
And Judie! You are just such a wonderful free spirit. I love your humor and way with words.
And have obviously your son takes after his Momma. I had a devil of a time getting that site to load, but it was well worth it. What incredible visuals he creates with his carefully chosen words!
You made my morning merry and bright!
Thank you!
A++++++++++
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